Every so often, when I feel myself slipping into my black and white fundamentalist thinking, I take it out on my program of recovery. One of the founders never fully recovered from his affliction of alcoholism: he never fully denounced certain dangerous practices, such as adultery and occultism. As a result, when the second cofounder passed away, the first was left to his own devices in some regards. And though a trusted custodian, he let darkness enter the fellowship of light.
So when I get overly influenced by certain born-again Christians who have strong media presence, one in particular who in the past has condemned my program of recovery, I can become confused. And after having a particularly challenging week with the starting of a new job and the drama surrounding that, I was particularly vulnerable to fearful and stinking-thinking. As a result, when my new favourite Christian convert dropped her new video/podcast after a month of anticipation at the end of the week, I felt particularly triggered.
I actually had to just turn off all the chatter in my mind, and take a break. This is a new practice for me, to be able to advocate for what I need. In that space, I was able to centre myself, and remember what my program of recovery has done for me. It has paved the way for me to live a dignified life. John the Baptist said to make a straight path, in preparation for the Lord. (Matthew 3.3). I realized that my program is the path, it’s not my god, and I am therefore by no means engaging in idolatry by practicing the principles, reading the literature, or attending meetings.
When I revert to my traumatic absolutist thinking, I wonder if I am in deep error by engaging in my program of recovery, but today when I purposefully disengaged from my usual provocations, I got to see that I am not making my program my higher power, and that my program is just a tool to help me live a respectable life and to connect with God in a meaningful way.