I was listening to one of my favourite preachers, and he was teaching about feeling bold in Christ. He told an exaggerated story how a person’s exorbitant debt was paid off by Jesus and how he proclaimed, even at his work, that Jesus saved him. The question posed to the listener was, do we have this bold promulgation of our salvation as well? In the moment, it seemed like a strange comparison, because my redemption was more spiritual than worldly, and so as with anything of the spirit, it’s much harder to measure, and therefore defend.
And while I can say wholeheartedly that I have been given a new lease on life, I considered how I only talk about my faith in my blog posts. I therefore began to question if I really believed that I was saved, because I have no desire or confidence to evangelize.
I considered that my program of recovery, would be, if anything what I consider to be my salvation. I felt like I wasn’t a true Christian, and suddenly I doubted my decision to leave the occult and New Age behind: more accurately, throwing everything out. But then, in a moment of grace, I realized that I struggle with all of the basic facts of life. As I commute to work while I write this, I move through the challenges of waking up early and taking two trains to go into the core of one of the most intense cities in the world (I imagine). I think about the fears I have around my manager, my coworkers, my very place in this world.
I could then measure my redemption, and see that yes, I do rely on Jesus as my Comforter (saviour). This is because I can stay sober through my program of recovery, which allows me to go into the world, to care about the well-being of others, to get along with my partner, and to get and keep a great job; but my fears and my self-depreciating thinking doesn’t go away. That’s when I take it a step further, and rely on God.
Going back to the gospel, being convinced that I am a disciple of Christ, gives me the power to go into situations that intimidate me, giving me the strength to come from a place of service, which my faith requires of me, but which on my own I have no power to do. My profession in Christ gives me the ability to think of others before myself, to he brave in times when the very security of my personhood feels threatened, and most importantly, to trust that not only will I be okay, I will be entirely provided for.