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Merry Christmas

December 25, 2022

Today is Christmas Day. In my morning mediation, I thought about the years I would send texts of Christmas greetings to my friends and acquaintances, and how this year, I just don’t have it in me. But while I don’t have that same passionate energy, I am reading today at my church. This is a huge deal for me; being commissioned to be a lector at the end of October was a huge accomplishment in my walk with Christ and my role in the Church. Reading today is a blessing, as I have only read twice before, and Christmas day, other than Good Friday and Easter Sunday, is the most attended service of the year.

Navigating the feelings of both the elation and melancholy as I grew through 2022 has been a big theme for me. Whenever I was between those two extreme ends of the spectrum, I would panic a bit. Today I try not to attach to those feelings, or to not set too high expectations for myself (as we say in the Program, “An expectation is a pre-meditated resentment.”) Naturally, I would love to feel a sort of child-like wonder at it being Christmas Day. I also wish I put more time and money into this unique, yet reliable season. But rather than regretting, I transmute those negative feelings into positive ones, and I instead practice gratitude for the gifts I have been given this season. Having my first paid vacation ever, my boyfriend being able to come to my mom’s for Christmas Eve, and getting to go to his parents this evening.

But I miss my dad. Christmas was the one time of year he seemed genuinely happy. He was generous, and it came from a sincere place. Christmas was a reprieve for him. And I can see now that a lot of my traditions come from him and his example. Therefore, I let myself treat this day as any other day, because I honour that my heart hurts, despite it being a celebration. When I was baptized into the church in 2010, I was very nervous. My entire family was in attendance, and it was on Easter Vigil, so many people were present. I remember at that time beginning to accept that things won’t always go as planned, and that wisdom is not being too attached to outcomes.

That is the spirit in which I show up to this Christmas. I am still a work in progress. Still getting my finances in order, still having to remember to put others before myself, still struggling with time-management. But cognizant that for the first time, I have my grown-up Christmas list.

Merry Christmas everyone. Peace on Earth. Good will to all. 🎄☩

Image by Bruno /Germany from Pixabay

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