Something that’s come into my awareness as to why it’s so challenging for myself and others to not worry, and why we resist handing our problems over to God, is due to a sense of guilt.
As I was absorbed with a problem the other night, my higher self told me to turn it over to my higher power, but my humanness wanted to sit with it. I realized I was telling myself that it was my mistake to be managed on my own. This was a significant revelation in my healing journey, because it relayed an idea to me that I never heard of or considered before.
What was really happening in my dis-ease was the defending of sick, unholy thinking that dictated I had my just deserts because of choices I made, and that it was my responsibility now to suffer the consequences, which in this case was the absence of peace of mind and of sleep. In a way, I thought my task was to wear God’s justice (revenge) well, when really, I was going against His will by holding onto it and trying to manage it on my own.
This was an important moment where I got to see how stinking-thinking can be so manipulative, but it wasn’t an intuitive thought that arrived because I was open-minded in that moment: it followed an epiphany about forgiveness from months prior. Not only did I undergo the incredible transformation from embarking upon my self-forgiveness journey, but I recognized that I still needed to forgive people who I thought I owed an apology to. This insight was a game-changer for me.
In a space of self-compassion, I became able to to forgive myself and others, and there I recognized that I had been operating in a state of ignorance and trauma; the place where so much, if not all of my trouble had been coming from. In a sort of false righteous self-condemnation, I was actually functioning opposite of God’s will for me.
This was a radical concept, and it is in this understanding where I now see that all of the good works, humble faith, and best of intentions will always fall short, because without forgiveness, I am still outside of the gates, the kingdom of heaven – an outsider still just looking in, trying to have an experience in an impossible position.
And it all started with a question, “What would it look like if I let this go?” From there, I began to soar. The weight of my guilt began to dissipate, and I became empowered to forgive people who I couldn’t see actually needed my forgiveness, because I was blinded by my own sense of shame. That lead to a surge in confidence where, months later, I still feel less fearful and more connected.
I think we cling to our guilt and our fear because when in deception, we believe we are doing the right thing to hang on to our mistakes. Now I can see the Universe is actually a neutral holding space that is more than willing to take every bit of betrayal and blunder, and transmute it all away. Knowing God’s truth is my birthright, and in that truth, I am free. I am not designed to sit in mire and wallow, I am here to have a spiritual experience of union with my higher power.
I full-heartedly believe that my existence is an expression of that power’s infinite love, and that it is my responsibility to act accordingly to that passion; this means to fully trust that I am okay both in my memories, and will continue to be okay in any future demands.
Today I don’t need to hang on to my guilt in a perverse sense of self-preservation: instead I let time and experience be vessels of wisdom and gratitude. I continue to put one foot in front of the other, now knowing that it is perfectly safe and reasonable to give all my shortcomings, guilt, and fear to my higher power who I know today will gladly take them so I can go about my life in peace and dignity.