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Being Enough

March 15, 2022

As I approach another birthday, and get that much closer to my mid-forties, I find myself fearful of never having “made it”. I suspect this is the common mid-life crisis that people talk about when they reach a certain season in their lives. I have recently been overcome with panicky thoughts of being insignificant, of having not produced anything of mass attention, or acquiring any glorious fame.

So as is my custom these days, I bring these fears back to my faith, which is restoration through Jesus. One way that I made mistakes in my youth was not being able or willing to look ahead. I treated so many moments like they were dire or all that mattered; I couldn’t see the forest from the trees. Today with the emotional intelligence and maturity that I have gained in my recovery journey, I can take a step back into the stillness and make a conscious decision to approach a problem differently.

Remembering the moments in my past where all I had to do was hold tight and wait for a new dawn, I can apply that wisdom today where I couldn’t previously. As a Christian, one of my fundamental beliefs is that there is another world ahead of me. The apostle Paul wrote that we are citizens of heaven, so if this is true, and I believe it is, then I can act and think differently today. I can breathe through these fearful moments of not getting what I want, and either hold the space to allow it to still come at a later time, or to accept it and focus on the goodness that awaits me in the next life.

Something that I have learned this past year, is that time goes so very fast. I’ve also observed that much of my day is time-management, and I am usually looking at a clock, trying to fit my tasks into a slot or anticipating my next move to not be late. With this relationship to time, and my desire to use it well, I wonder what I am so worried about. My selfishness often wants to complain: I can find fault in just about anything. But the fates have taught me that tomorrow is not promised, so in the full knowing that I might not get another moment with someone who I am fond of or who I love, I work my best to appreciate and not find fault in a person or situation. I am able to practice gratitude today, and in that spirit, I believe God rejoices in me, too.

So while I walk the line between this life and the next, and as I am granted another year to realize God and to help others, I remember to be gentle with myself when I lean too heavily on my own understandings. I keep it simple, and practice compassion when I find myself frustrated with that simplicity. The sensible life I get to live today was a fantasy not even a decade ago: I secretly yearned for this mundanity when I was living outside of God’s kingdom. Being organized and using my time well might be better than any worldly treat I could collect.

I still have big hopes and aspirations, but I don’t place my self-worth on them ever coming to fruition. Something people off the healing path might not realize, is that simple acts of kindness are what make the world go round. Finding happiness and fulfillment in service wasn’t my go-to lifestyle, but I found it nevertheless, and it is sufficient. Living within the parameters of peace and love is satisfying. That starts with acknowledging everyone I come across with appreciation and respect, not fear or contempt, and I find that very rewarding.

While I don’t know what another year will bring me, I continue to be the very best version of myself that I can be. When I am feeling out of sorts, I can see the universe as vast, where I am simply a passenger, just taking in as much as I can. Today I don’t have to repeat the mistakes of my past: I can travel light, with my being not weighed down by taking on what is not mine to bear.

Peaceful Heart by Pooja Grover

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